8/19/13
This was the last thing Mom ever saw me knit. God how her eyes lit up. I'll never forget her beautiful smile that day. Never.
I'll always regret not staying at the hospital that day. She asked me to stay after I'd finished the shawl, but it was a weekday and I was so tired. I had to go to work. I should have stayed. I just should have.
I forgot the shawl at the hospital that night. The next day I found it and could have sworn I took it home, but before you knew it mom was in ICU and I was going out of my mind. I thought I'd taken the shawl to ICU with me, but I couldn't find it. I wanted to lay it on mom. Give her something to touch...
It was gone. And before you could blink so was mom. I lamented the loss of that shawl for an entire year. I remembered mom's face every time I thought about it. I'd go on rampages looking for it. In the car, the garage, my house, my sister's house...I even checked her car a few times. I was so angry that I couldn't find it. I cursed the nurses for stealing it. I cursed everyone. I wanted that scarf. I even thought my husband threw it away accidentally.
Everytime I thought about it I was filled with anger and despair. I couldn't believe that I had lost it. I'd bring it up to my sister and she would say mom took it with her. This would sometimes quiet me down about it for a while until the rage would start all over again and I'd look and look and look.
One day, I simply accepted it and stopped looking. I knew it was in my house. I just knew it. So I started taking better care of myself. Started trying to get healthy again and eating right. Took better care of my home and everyone in it. I was counting down to the anniversary of moms death. Preparing to greive.
I put too much pressure on myself at work. Took on too many responsabilities. But I got through it and past it and before you knew it there I was...feeling good about myself and like I could breath a little better, but I was alone and missing my husband who was away on military duty.
One day I decided to clean his side of the room and dropped something at the foot of the bed. I bent over and picked up a grocery store bag in a flash just as I spotted it. I moved so fast everything blurred on the way down to snatch the bag out from under the bed. It was only sticking out just enough. Where the hell???
It was my scarf and I gasped like a madwoman and ripped the bag open, collapsed on the bed and wept into it for so long. The gasps and sobs wracked my body crushing my chest. I felt like I was going to die. I don't know why I reacted that way, and even though I felt like I would stop breathing any second I didn't stop myself. I just let it out.
I wouldn't call that catharsis. There was no relief at the end of those tears. Perhaps at the end of that day.
I still can't believe it took over a year to find that scarf, but found it I did. It's hanging in my closet. I look at it every day and every day that I do I think of my mom.
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